Archive for November, 2011
Christmas season will be here before you’ve figured out what to dress up as for the neighbors’ Halloween party, so it’s not too soon to start planning. For instance, what do you get for the man in your life who knows you inside and out? No, not your boyfriend or husband. We’re talking about your proctologist.
Let’s take a moment to consider ten Christmas gift ideas for that special someone, your butt doctor:
- Beano – Hey, it’s the least you can do to make life rosier for your favorite doctor. A gift-wrapped case of this stuff for his office would do wonders for the, um, ambiance.
- Hand Warmers – This is the gift that keeps on giving – at least for the next seven hours – for a whole day’s worth of appointments. Your doctor will thank you, and everyone else who is booked after you.
- Manicure Kit – Think of this as an investment. A gift to yourself, even. Things will go more smoothly for both of you with this thoughtful gift. Nail polish is of course optional.
- Face Shield – There are occupational hazards inherent to practically every job, and your proctologist is no different. This Christmas, why not help him face the music with confidence?
- Stick Ups – As a precautionary supplement to the Beano, this gift idea can be a real lifesaver when dealing with patients who raise a stink. They can also double as props for hands-free operation. For the bigger jobs, however …
- Bottle Jack – Let’s face it, some jobs can be more of a handful than others, and your proctologist needs to keep that other hand free for other things. And to help set the proper mood, you could combine the gift with this one. Or as a change of pace …
- A Case of Heineken – Then again, he could be a beer man. Hopefully one with a good sense of humor too. So go ahead and treat him to some Heinies he can actually enjoy.
- Headlamp – You don’t want Dr. Ben Dover to miss anything, so be sure he’s got the proper lighting. As an added bonus, you can select a model with assorted lens colors for a suitable holiday setting.
- Hand Cream – Here’s another gift idea that benefits everyone. This one makes a good gift combination along with the manicure kit. Bonus points if it contains cornmeal.
- Shinola – If you think about it, a poster ad for this stuff can serve as a sort of diploma on his wall. It’ll make it clear to all his patients that he knows his job … and the difference.
Mother Nature has been flexing her muscles in recent years,with flooding, drought, storms and record high and low temperatures. Sometimes people have been well-prepared for inclement weather, while other times have borne witness to some nasty surprises. When arctic cold whips southward, it first hits places like International Falls, Minnesota., where the locals are accustomed to competing for “coldest spot in the country”. When folks build a place up north, they don’t lay plastic water pipe in a shallow trench. No, all that gets buried below the permafrost line. But, people down in the mid-south and up in the Sierra foothills are not ready when the mercury drops toward zero. Every year we are shown clips of Florida citrus farmers trying to protect their crops from the annual “surprise” cold weather. Most of the problems involved with cold have to do with surprises, and not the good kind. Below, you will find some of the tricks Jack Frost can play, and a few tips on how to thwart the chill.
- Water Pipes – If you don’t live where pipes are routinely installed below-ground you may have to wrap pipes with insulating materials.
- 2. Doors & Windows – Wind, combined with freezing rain or sleet, can seal doors and windows shut. Usually the situation is worse on one side of the house than the other, and you may be able to open a door on the leeward side of the building.
- The Commode – Just the thought of the seat being ice-cold is enough to send someone to Amazon.com for a heated toilet seat, and there are plenty available.
- 3-Dog (or Cat) Nights – On really cold nights you may find that all your four-legged friends decide to join you on the bed. Hint: whoever gets to bed first gets the best real estate.
- Back of the Fridge – For some reason, everything that finds its way to the back of the refrigerator comes out frozen solid.
- Spouses Feet – It’s a true scientific fact that all spouses have feet that are made of ice. You can look it up.
- Garage Door Opener – Extreme cold can affect some garage door mechanisms; be careful when you choose which side of the door to park your car before the cold spell settles in.
- Outside Faucets – Outside faucets and taps are prone to freezing. Wrapping them with insulating materials can help. Letting a faucet drip keeps water in motion, and can prevent pipes from freezing. In northern climates, ‘frostless’ outside faucets are usually installed to protect against freeze-up.
- Satellite Dish – Ice storms and freezing rain can impact satellite performance when the dish gets coated in ice. Pans of hot water can fix the problem, or even a garden hose if it, too, isn’t frozen.
- The Family Car – If the garage isn’t heated the family car can get awfully cold; usually it’s the loser of paper/scissors/rock who has to go out and warm up the vehicle.
Even firewood works better if you have it in the house long enough for it to get to room temperature before you toss it into the wood stove. The best fix for winter freezing, and this hasn’t changed in recent memory, is Spring.